Summary: Kathryn is having and ‘alone time’ shore leave and is finding it less than wonderful. She begins to question many aspects of her life. Chakotay’s place in it is one of those questions.

Disclaimer: CBS/Paramount owns everything. No infringement intended.

Thanks to Brianna for the beta.

Rated NC17

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Kathryn sat on the comfortable sofa, looking out the wide windows at the torrential rain, her unread book open on her lap. Water dripped from the eaves, cascaded down the stairs and washed across the outside terrace.

The rain hadn’t let up for days. With a sigh, she leant forward, elbow on her knee, resting her chin on her hand and watched as the trees began to bend under the weight of the fresh downpour. Branches began to thrash and whip at each other as strong winds joined the heavy rain.

If the storm followed the pattern of previous days, the thunder and lightning would start soon. As she settled back into the cushions, her shoulders sagged as the first rumbles sounded in the distance. It meant another day of her precious leave wasted, sitting by the window and wishing that she’d chosen somewhere else to go.

She had no one to blame but herself. Chakotay had asked her if she wanted to go with him and the others to the snowfields on the opposite side of the planet, but she didn’t want to spoil their fun and had opted for some alone time at a beach resort. It had rained non-stop since she’d arrived and she was miserable. There wasn’t anything quite as depressing as a beach resort in the rain.

Dripping and drooping palm trees, or what passed for palm trees in this neck of the Delta Quadrant, colourful umbrellas folded and huddled together against the elements, and a grey, dismal looking sea, edged with half-hearted waves.

‘Alone time’. She’d used that phrase when explaining to Chakotay why she wouldn’t be joining him and the rest of the senior staff at the snowfields. It hadn’t taken long for her to conclude that being on her own was highly overrated, particularly when she spent most of her time on her own anyway. Her position as captain meant that she experienced an over abundance of ‘alone time’ on the ship, without having to find it away from the ship.

Her real reason for refusing Chakotay’s offer had been to avoid his company. After six years of yearning, it was becoming more and more difficult to keep her distance and, in the casual atmosphere of a shore leave, the barriers were even harder to maintain. So she’d found the perfect solution by isolating herself and becoming completely miserable – brilliant. She did an internal eye roll. How pathetic could she get?

It was at times like these that the parameters she’d set seemed less than sensible – more like lunacy, she added silently to herself. From a purely psychological point of view, it couldn’t be healthy for an individual to be so distanced and solitary. It just wasn’t normal. Mind you, even if she decided to throw caution to the wind and rescind the parameters she’d set all those years ago, it was probably too late anyway. It had been ages since Chakotay had made his sweet but convoluted declaration, and far too many missteps and mistakes had been made in the interim. He’d been exposed to a veritable cavalcade of the most unattractive facets of her character and they were a tad less than lovable – that was the understatement of the century. If she were brutally honest with herself, they were downright ugly and some bordered on the insane.

Not wanting to dwell too much on those more unique behaviour traits and command decisions, Kathryn sighed and picked up her book. These thoughts weren’t helping her already maudlin frame of mind, so she tried to concentrate on her book. However, after reading the same paragraph a half a dozen times, she shut the book with an irritated snap, and stopped pretending to read.

It was time to reinforce the slowly crumbling walls of her resolve. As much as she might like to, she couldn’t have a relationship with someone under her command. It was one of the basic tenets of Starfleet law. The ramifications in regard to the command structure could be devastating. What if they argued – which they’d done on several occasions – and there was a personal element to their difference of opinion? It could spell disaster. How could she possibly maintain any sort of command presence if she’d just crawled out of bed with him moments beforehand? It would be impossible for her to make love to him and then order him off on some away mission where his life would be at risk. It would kill her if anything happened to him. Hell, whom was she kidding? It would kill her anyway and they’d never so much as kissed.

Fuck! How in god’s name had she managed to get herself into this sort of predicament? She should have had more control, but then again how did one stop from falling in love? Not even the super-controlled Kathryn Janeway could avoid that.

It had happened while she wasn’t paying attention. Life in the Delta Quadrant left little time for navel-gazing, as most of it was spent lurching from one terrifying and life-threatening encounter to the next. Vicious aliens bent on Voyager’s destruction, spatial anomalies of every starship-devouring variety, the Borg, and one didn’t dare mention the constant struggle to find food and energy supplies.

That’s how they’d finished up on Noryb. They’d been hightailing it across space, running from yet another unnamed Delta Quadrant bully, when the planet had come up on long-range sensors. It was a warp-capable society, rich in raw materials, and the icing on the cake had been the welcoming and generous Norybians, a rare commodity in this quadrant.

The Norybians had invited the Captain and First Officer to enter into negotiations for supplies while the Voyager crew were to avail themselves of the planet’s facilities for shore leave rotations. That had been ten days ago and Kathryn and Chakotay had spent the previous week negotiating for supplies, although one could barely call it negotiating. The representatives had been more than happy to accommodate all of Voyagers requests and most of their time had been spent sampling the local produce. Almost everything, from meeting local dignitaries to signing treaties, was associated with eating.

She and Chakotay met the planetary representatives and provedores for lunch and dinner, and sometimes breakfast, listening politely while they expounded the positive aspects of the various foodstuffs. No one needed much convincing, the crew hadn’t tasted anything so delicious in years. Poor Neelix was having a bit of a crisis in response, but Kathryn figured he’d survive. She just hoped that he didn’t introduce the Norybians to leola root. That would be a tragic legacy and they could well do without making another enemy.

The planetary government, although a seemingly laissez-faire organization loosely based on democratic principles, ran surprisingly smoothly. Long before the allotted negotiation week was over, Voyager had cargo bays full of produce and other materials. More celebratory meals and socials had been attended and that was when Kathryn had decided that she couldn’t be in Chakotay’s company for another full week. They’d had too wonderful a time during the negotiations.

The informal nature of the Norybians lifestyle was contagious and they’d spent the week laughing and thoroughly enjoying each other’s company… far too much for Kathryn to be able to spend another week with him and keep her distance. She needed this time to put the barriers back in place so when they boarded Voyager again at the end of the week, she would be his aloof commanding officer again and the entity of Kathryn and Chakotay would be but a dim memory.

A tear splashed onto her hand, and she quickly swiped at her eyes. Damnit, she was crying. This was something that Kathryn Janeway never allowed herself to do. It was a slippery slope, and she couldn’t afford to be so absurd and self-indulgent.

In orbit was a starship that needed a captain who was single-minded and committed to her quest, not some namby-pamby pathetic excuse for a female, pining for someone and something that she couldn’t have. Biting the inside of her cheek, she swallowed the tears and took a deep calming breath. With her eyes closed, she attempted to employ some of Tuvok’s mind-control techniques, centring herself, finding the bright light of strength within herself and letting it swell outwards, filling her and bolstering her determination.

It all unravelled when she felt gentle fingers wiping the remnants of her tears from her cheeks. Opening her eyes, she found Chakotay’s dear face only inches from hers. His eyes were deep, dark pools of worry, his brow furrowed with concern. One hand was resting comfortingly on her shoulder and his other hand brushed away another errant tear as it slid down her cheek.

Oh, God! She made a strange hiccupping sound and slammed her hand over her mouth in a futile attempt to hold her tumultuous emotions at bay. She wasn’t entirely successful. In fact, she failed miserably. Apart from the strange and, to her ears, very unattractive sounds she was making, her eyes were like faucets and the tears were pouring unheeded down her cheeks.

Before she could stop him or brace herself, Chakotay pulled her into his arms and held her. He didn’t say anything or make any noise - she was making enough for the both of them - but he ran his hand in slow circles over her back, the other merely holding her tight, his thumb rubbing up and down along her spine, until she began to calm.

He loosened his hold slightly but didn’t let go, whispering in her ear. “That must be one very sad book you’re reading.”

She couldn’t help laughing, but it came out as a watery gurgling sound, but she loved him even more for trying to protect her feelings. Her spirits lifted almost instantly and she pulled away from him, wiping her eyes and tucking her hair behind her ears. She met his eyes and gave him a wobbly smile. “Thank you.”

He smiled in return, but didn’t say anything else, merely turned to look out the window at the rain.

She had to admit, he knew her well. He wasn’t going to ask, knowing that she’d brush off his enquiry and say it was nothing or, if she were in the mood for sharing, she’d tell him a diluted version of what was wrong.

It then occurred to her that he was here with her and not at the snowfields.

“What are you doing here?”

He looked towards her and raised his brow slightly at her abrupt tone.

Kathryn cringed inwardly. “Sorry, it’s just that I thought you were at the snowfields with everyone. I wasn’t expecting to see you.”

He took a breath. “Well, to be honest, I’d had enough of Paris’s asinine behaviour; one can only get hit in the back of the head with snowballs so many times before it becomes decidedly unfunny. I’ve had it up to here…” He levelled his hand about mid-forehead, “with B’Elanna and Seven’s constant squabbling. Neelix is being more irritatingly solicitous towards everyone than usual, but most of all…” He looked her in the eye. “…I missed you.”

Kathryn blinked. How did he know to turn up at that particular moment? His timing was uncanny but now was not a good time to examine such things. She patted his hand. “Poor you, having to deal with the children all by yourself but, no matter what the reason, I’m pleased you’re here. I missed you too.”

His frown told her he’d recognized her deliberate misinterpretation of his reasons for being here.

His reply was equally noncommittal, but there was a breath of challenge in his tone. “I’ve been keeping an eye on the weather reports too and knew you would be sitting over here in the rain and thought you might be ready for some company about now. I know what I’m like with ‘alone time’. It sounds good in theory, but mostly it’s just lonely.”

Kathryn shook her head in disbelief. “Are you sure you’re not linked to my brain somehow? I was thinking something along those lines just before you turned up…” His eyes held hers for a long moment, almost daring her to be honest with him. She shrugged. “It was part of the reason why I was crying.”

“I thought so.” He didn’t look at her, but asked the question she was dreading. “Can I ask what the other part of the reason was?”

It was on the tip of her tongue to remark offhandedly that he could ask but he wouldn’t necessarily get an answer… but it was a cheap shot and he deserved better than that. He deserved a whole lot more, but she was unable to fulfil those needs. What he should do was move on. Find someone else and live a happy life, filled with love and family.

The mere thought of that made the tears well again and she averted her gaze so he couldn’t see her eyes shimmering. Her voice was surprisingly steady considering her inner turmoil and she answered, kindly. “I’d prefer if you didn’t.”

She heard his weary sigh and her face crumpled a little in distress. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him, especially since he’d been so kind and considerate of her feelings. Why was it she could be so brave about so many things, but when it came to her heart and this man, she was a simpering coward? It made her thoroughly ashamed of herself. What she should do was tell him of her feelings. There was no pressure on them to do anything about it… yeah sure… she snorted with self-disdain, then felt him shift on the couch.

“I apologise for interrupting your leave time. I’d better head back in case B’Elanna has dismembered Seven or they’ve all done something unsavoury with Neelix, and I don’t mean that in the culinary sense.”

He stood and began to move away.

Kathryn was screaming on the inside.

She knew that she could let him walk away and he would still be her supportive and caring first officer, looking after her interests, both on and off duty… but for how long? One day he would stop. One day he would walk away and not come back and she’d only have herself to blame. What she was doing was cruel and she wasn’t by nature a cruel person. Her insides were churning, her heart pounded and every nerve was zinging with tension. What the hell was she supposed to do?

“Fuck!”

Only when she heard his surprised gasp did she realise that she’d said that aloud. She dropped her head into her hands and whispered it quietly again. “Fuck.”

“Kathryn?”

She couldn’t bring herself to look up. “What? Don’t tell me you haven’t heard that word before?”

“Oh, I’ve heard it. Said it even, but I’ve never heard you say it.”

“Well, now you have.”

“Hmmm, yes, I suppose so. Another ‘first’ to add to the list.”

“You have a list?”

“Not really… more like a selection of favourite memories.”

Now she did look up and spoke slowly. “I have those too.”

He smiled. “I imagine some of them are the same.”

“I’m sure a lot of them are. We’ve had some wonderful times together. Very…” She took a deep breath. “…memorable.”

He nodded. “I’m sure there will be a lot more in the future too. The Delta Quadrant is a bit like that.”

She nodded. “Yes, it’s certainly ripe with distinctive and unique situations.”

This time he nodded. “It is.”

The conversation was running out of steam and she still hadn’t said anything substantial. All of a sudden, it all seemed so simple. He was here, she was here, they had a special connection and they loved one another. Of that, she was certain. The tears vanished and she sat up straight. “I’m contemplating embarking on another unique situation. However, it requires your participation.”

“All you have to do is ask.”

“I’m afraid it’s not as simple as that. This situation calls for voluntary involvement. It’s not something I can ask of you, as such. I’ll give you the background information, and then it’s entirely up to you.”

He nodded brusquely, but there was a sparkle deep within his eyes. “I’m ready, fire away.”

Kathryn nodded. “Before I start, let me say, that there is no onus on you to participate. If you don’t like the parameters, then a quick negative response is all that’s required to indicate your intent and there will be no ramifications, personal or professional.”

He sounded almost exasperated. “Kathryn, will you tell me, please?”

She swallowed but kept her gaze steadily directed at him. “For a long time now, I’ve had feelings that are not entirely appropriate for a captain to have for a member of her crew and, in case you’re wondering, that crewmember is you.” She barrelled on before she lost her nerve. “I have been in love with you for years, but unable to do anything about it because of Starfleet regulations, which I might add, still apply. However, for the sake of my own sanity, that of the crew’s and yours, I’m rescinding those parameters in the hope that we can find a way to meld our professional and personal lives. In essence I’m telling you that I love you and leaving it up to you as to what we do about it.”

He was standing a few feet away from her, staring. “Well, that’s simple. I love you and want you too.”

“Wouldn’t you like to take a minute or two to mull it over? There’s no hurry. Truly.”

“The hell there isn’t any hurry. Kathryn, do you know how long I’ve dreamed of you saying what you just said, or some version of it?” Kathryn opened her mouth to answer, but he held up his hand. “Don’t worry, it was a rhetorical question.” But despite that he answered it himself anyway. “Years, Kathryn. I’ve been waiting years.”

He slumped onto the couch with a thud and then looked at her sideways.

She wasn’t quite sure what to make of his reaction. It seemed positive, although he didn’t seem to be overjoyed, but perhaps it was just shock. “Are you all right, Chakotay?”

Barking a laugh, he turned fully towards her and reached for her hand. “’All right’ doesn’t quite do it justice. I’m thrilled, overjoyed, excited and just plain relieved. What about you? Are you okay with this?”

Kathryn nodded. “More than I thought I would be. I’m waiting for the backlash of guilt, but so far, so good.” She turned her body towards him and smiled. “What do you think the crew will make of this? Do you think it will be an issue? There are still a few hardliners amongst them and they may not take too kindly to their ice queen captain being intimately involved with an ex-maquis. It will be your authority that they’ll challenge, are you ready for that?”

Chakotay was staring. “Huh?”

“Did you hear what I said? I’m worried about the crew causing problems for you. Are you concerned?”

“I’m sorry, I only heard as far as ‘intimately involved’ and my brain shut down.”

Kathryn burst out laughing. “I’ll take that as a ‘no’ then.”

Nodding, Chakotay moved closer to her on the sofa. “We can worry about the crew later. I’d like to discuss this ‘intimately involved’ business first. Is there any sort of timeline in regard to this?”

Kathryn shrugged. “We’re at a beach resort in the rain. There’s gin rummy or I could show you my room?”

“I’ve never been much of a card player.”

Kathryn stood and held out her hand. “I think I’ve got a deck of cards in my room if we change our minds.”

“I don’t think there’s much chance of that.” Taking her hand, he let her pull him from the sofa. She tugged hard until he was standing scant inches from her, she looked up and their eyes met. They stared at one another for several heartbeats, their faces slowly melting into warm smiles.

Chakotay swallowed. “Kathryn, I’m going to kiss you now.”

Her brow rose and her smile broadened. “Excellent move, Commander.”

Kathryn’s eyes fluttered shut as he bent closer. She felt his breath whisper against her lips and then his mouth was on hers. It was warm, soft and gentle. His lips moved over hers, his tongue lightly tickling at her lips, until her mouth opened to allow him access. With a deep moan, he pushed into her mouth and she stroked him with her tongue. They tasted each other, mouths sliding easily together and their hands learning the feel of each other. It was a memorable first kiss and a definite addition for that imaginary list.

Slowly the kiss gentled and their mouths pulled away from one another. Chakotay nuzzled at her neck and mumbled into her hair. “Kathryn, is your room far away?”

She shook her head, and at the same time, tilted it back so he could kiss her neck. “No, it’s only a couple of floors up, and there’s a lift.”

He pulled away from her and gave her a look.

She vehemently shook her head. “No way. Lift sex will have to wait until we have some holodeck time.” She slapped her hand onto his front. “Behave yourself.”

“Fine. You have another five minutes of good behaviour then it’s every man for himself. And since I’m the only man here, you’d better find that room of yours and quickly.”

Kathryn shook her head and smiled as she took his hand. “Follow me.”

They made it to her room with at least two minutes to spare and it was only then that it occurred to her that there might be some concern regarding his whereabouts.

He was kissing her neck and pulling her dress aside to run his finger along the lacy edge of her bra. She was having trouble keeping her thoughts in order, but had to ask. Knowing that it might be difficult to get his attention, she cupped his cheek and turned his face towards her. “Chakotay, aren’t the others going to wonder where you are?”

“I don’t care.”

“I don’t either, but I don’t want security turning up in the bedroom when they trace your biosignature to this part of the planet.”

“Shit.” He fumbled with his shirt, trying to find his combadge. He eventually found it as Kathryn began to work on the fastener of his trousers. “Chakotay to Paris.”

“Paris here Chakotay. Where the hell are you? We had a snowman building competition to win, did you forget?”

Kathryn looked up at him and rolled her eyes as he made a face. “Sorry Tom, I was called away. I won’t be back, I’m afraid. Something’s come up.”

It took all of Kathryn’s control not to snort with laughter, her head dropped onto his chest with a thunk. She bumped his combadge and it reverberated over the channel. Tom asked. “Are you okay, Chakotay? I can get Tuvok to send a security team if you’re having difficulties.”

“God no! I’m fine. Whatever you do, don’t call Tuvok. That’s an order.”

“Aye, Sir. I take it you got a better offer then?”

Chakotay’s eyes met Kathryn’s and he shook his head at Paris’s boorish attempt to glean information. He ignored the question. “I’ll see you back on the ship. Enjoy the rest of your leave.”

“Have fun, Commander and don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do. Paris out.”

Chakotay looked down at Kathryn. “See what I’ve had to put up with over the last few days? The man is a menace. They all are in fact.”

Kathryn nodded. “You’re right, but I don’t care at the moment. They can be as obnoxious as they like, I’ve got other things on my agenda. Front and centre, Commander.”

With a laugh, he pulled his shirt off and tossed it aside, and began enthusiastically divesting Kathryn of her attire. In moments, they were both naked, and tumbling onto the bed in a tangle of limbs.

As his lips clamped over her nipple, she swore. “Oh, fuck!”

He looked up and grinned. “That’s going on the list.”

She gave him a look and undulated against him, pressing herself into him, her pubis rubbing the sensitive underside of his erection. “I think by the time we’re finished here, we’ll have enough for a book.”

He groaned. “Give me strength.” And with that plaintive cry, he enveloped her in his arms and dove towards her with no plans on coming up for air for a long, long time.

On the bridge of Voyager, Tuvok was monitoring the biosignatures of the various away teams and those on shore leave. A green light blinked on his console.

“Mr Paris, do you have something to report?”

“I think we have lift-off, Commander. Can you check their biosigns and give us the okay?”

“Stand by, Mr Paris.”

Isolating the biosigns of his Captain and those of the Commander, he measured the distance between them. His only reaction was a barely perceptible quirk of his eyebrow.”

“Tuvok to Lieutenant Paris.”

“Paris here. What’s the word, Tuvok?”

“Congratulations, Lieutenant. You have at last succeeded.”

“Thank God. I thought that B’Elanna and Seven were going to have to literally come to blows before he’d had enough. The man has the patience of a saint. I damn near got frostbite from flinging snowballs at him and poor Neelix is close to a breakdown. What a relief. Mission accomplished. Thanks Tuvok.”

“You are welcome, Mr Paris… and well done.”

“Paris out.”

Tuvok rechecked the readouts and with what, for a Vulcan, passed for a satisfied sigh, he deleted them and the previous readings, from computer memory. If Voyager ever made it back to the Alpha Quadrant, there were certain things to which Starfleet need not be privy. The Captain and Commander’s relationship was one of those things and Tuvok felt honour bound to guard their privacy.

He was very pleased for his captain and friend, and although he and the Commander had never been close, he knew he was an honourable man and a perfect mate for his strong willed captain. It was a good match and Voyager would benefit from the harmony their relationship would bring.

Down on the planet Tom, B’Elanna, Seven, and Neelix were sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping the Norybian equivalent of mulled wine and smiling. They’d already congratulated each other many times over, and every now and then, someone would sigh contentedly and their smiles would widen. The consummation of their commanding officer’s relationship had been a long time in the works for the Voyager crew. It had taken them the best part of four years to get them together. The gods had smiled down on them today and finally the planets had been in alignment.

On the opposite side of the planet, the rain poured down relentlessly and the two people in bed whispered quietly to one another. Words of love and encouragement soon became moans of delight, sighs of joy and groans of rapture.

Their voices grew louder, crescendoing in tandem with the staccato movements of their bodies. They stilled with the arching strain of bodies caught in the rigor of ecstasy and their muffled cries of delight briefly drowned out the thunder and rain.

Chakotay groaned and Kathryn chuckled quietly. “Oh my, I’m starting a new list.”

fin