Things Happen

Summary:A light-hearted dialogue only piece. The command team are assisting in a food gathering mission… things go a little awry.

For the Fic101 challenge. Prompt word: Date.

Rated R for swearing

Disclaimer: CBS/Paramount own everything. No infringement intended.

“It’s a date.”


“Well, it’s a pretty close approximation.”

“I still have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“This. It’s like a date. It came off that bush there and it looks just like a date from a date palm.”

“You’re right, it does. Have you tasted it yet? It may not taste like a date. Is it time to remind you of those things that looked like peaches on Carthas? The ones that Neelix swore were delicious and finished up tasting like plasma residue.”

That I won’t ever forget. It’s etched permanently in my memory. My taste buds have never been the same. But these smell all right. Here, have a sniff.”

“Hmmm, not too bad. Have you scanned them? We don’t want a repeat of Vendra IV. The Doctor won’t be pleased if you do something drastic to your digestive system because you were too lazy to scan the damn thing.”

“Of course I’ve scanned it. It’s safe. Time for the taste test.”


“Delicious. Try one.”

“Are you sure? You’ve done that to me before too. Just remember who’s the Captain here.”

“Didn’t I promise not to do that sort of thing again? Although it was worth it at the time. But I’m aware that brig time is on the agenda if I’m a repeat offender. I’m not that stupid.”

“Yes, well, that remains to be seen. Hmmm, they’re quite nice, aren’t they? Could you pass me another one?”

“Hey, not too fast and not too many. Remember your own advice. Everything in moderation and you won’t finish up a permanent fixture in the latrine.”

“Sage advice from someone who’d know. Hey, they’re really delicious. We should gather as many of these as we can find. They’d be great dried and even make a nice pie.”

“We’d just have to stop Neelix from trying to improve it with Leola root. I think I saw some more bushes over there.”

“Hold on, I’m coming. Damn, I can’t stop eating these things. They’re like pistachios. You don’t think they’re addictive or something, do you?”

“Too late now if they are. You’re eating more than you’re gathering.”

“It’s the ‘blackberry rule’ of gathering. One for the bucket, two for me, one for the bucket, two more for me. Don’t look at me like that. How did you gather berries? I bet you used to sneak them when the grown ups weren’t looking.”


“Ha, see. You’re not so innocent. You’re eating great handfuls as well. You can’t fool me with those big puppy dog eyes.”

“Puppy dog eyes? What the hell is in these things?”

“I don’t know, but whatever it is, it’s great. I feel fantastic.”

“Hang on, don’t eat anymore. I’m going to scan them again.”

“Don’t worry about it. Just have few more so you can catch up.”

“Don’t….. Oh, for spirits sake woman. How many can you fit in your mouth at once? That’s just plain greedy.”

“Hummph. There are tons of the things. Don’t be so prissy. Have some more. Here. This is a nice ripe one. Open wide.”

“I don’t…. mmmm, that was a good one. Mmmph… and another. Here, your turn, open up.”

“See, the darker ones are really sweet. There are a whole bunch of them here. Open the bag.”

“We’ll need your other bag in a minute or just beam these up and get them to send more containers down.”

“Here, open wide again.”

“Mmmph, thank you. Here pass me a ripe one. Let’s try this. Open wide and let me see if I can get one in your mouth…. Ha, score.”

“Okay, your turn. Don’t move your head and open wide. Woohoo! What a shot.”

“Here, let’s try this. I’ll hold this end in my teeth and see if you can bite the other end off.”

“Here, let me get closer. Lean down a bit. Ha, ha, that’s better. Can we use hands?”

“The idea is to do this without hands. Hmmm, try harder. Mmmph…Ooooph! Kathryn, you’re supposed to bite it off, not push us to the ground.”

“I have the advantage now. Here, try this one. Mmmm. By the way you taste delicious. All sweet and sticky.”

“So do you. Do you want to try that again? Hmmm, that feels good. I don’t think we need the dates. Come here.”

“That’s…Oh, my, Chakotay.”

“Spirits, Kathryn. I can’t…”

“Oh, God, yes…. there.”

“So good, oh spirits…. so mmmm…”


“The tricorder says their combadges are here somewhere. There! What’s that?”

“Well, that’s their jackets… and their tees… hello…. their pants.”

“Oh my God, Tom. Here’s their underwear. They must be…”

“Naked is the word, Harry. I don’t think you should look.”

“Don’t laugh, Tom. This could be really serious.”

“How serious could it be? They’ve just done what they’ve wanted, and might I add what we’ve wanted them to do for years. I say good on them. It’s about time.”

“I can’t look. I’ll never be able to meet their eyes if I have to see them. Can you look?”

“My God, Harry. You’re that squeamish? Which way does the trail go?”

“Through there.”

“Wait here. Paris to Torres.”

“B’Elanna here, Tom. Any news?”

“We’ve found something. Do you want to get over here? I think we might need your assistance.”

“What? Can’t you and Harry handle a couple of intoxicated commanding officers?”

“Is this link secure?”

“Um… yeah. Why?”

“It’s not the intoxication that’s a problem. It’s the nakedness that Harry is having issues with. You know how it is with ‘lerve juice’. Lowers barriers, reduces inhibitions, suddenly getting naked and doing the bare backed rumba seems like a good idea… boom, boom.”

“You’re kidding. Wait there.”

“We’re not going anywhere.”


“Okay, I’m here. Where are they?”

“In there, I think. We haven’t looked yet. Harry was a bit squeamish. She’s like his Mom, you know.”

“Cut it out, Tom. I’m just embarrassed for them. They’ll be devastated when they know that we know.”

“Come on, Tom. We better get them before Tuvok stumbles across them.”


“Awww, aren’t they sweet. Look how he’s holding her. Harry, you should see this. It’s so cute.”

“I’ll take your word for it. By the way, Tuvok just contacted me and was wondering why we’re taking so long.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him we were having wardrobe issues.”

“I’ve heard better explanations, Starfleet. Oh well, when they wake up and realise what they’ve done, I don’t think there’s going to be anyone this side of the galactic core that doesn’t know what’s happened. Wait for the yell.”

“I’ve got my hands over my ears and I’m humming. Tell me when it’s over.”

“I’d cluck like a chicken but it might wake them. Harry, you’re a coward.”

“No argument here. Just do it.”

“Okay, here goes. Chakotay, Captain. Wake up. Chakotay!”

“Fuck off, Torres.”

“I don’t think that’s a very good idea. Now just open your eyes slowly and don’t jump.”

“Aaarggh. I can’t get my eyes to open. What the fuck hit me?”

“About a shuttle load of one hundred proof brown berries. Do you remember anything?”


“Why are you making those noises, Torres?”

“That’s not me, Chief. It’s the Captain.”

“The Captain?”

“Yep, the Captain.”

“Did she get hit by the same shuttle?”

“Uh huh. Same shuttle, same time. I’d move very slowly and open those eyes.”

“Oh spirits, Kathryn… Get out of here, Torres. Where are our clothes?”

“They’re here. We collected them for you.”


“When you wouldn’t answer your hails, Tuvok sent down several search parties. The ‘we’ are Tom, Harry and me.”

“Get the hell out of here, and tell the others that if I hear even a whisper of this in scuttlebutt, I’ll skin the lot of you. Alive.”

“Understood. She’s waking up. I’ll leave. Good luck.”


“Kathryn. Kathryn, wake up.”

“Oh my. What happened? I feel like I’ve been hit by a whiskey truck. Twice.”

“Open your eyes slowly. It was the dates.”

“Shit! Chakotay, we’re naked. Oh God…. did we?”

“I think so. I don’t remember. You?”

“I don’t remember either, but I’m pretty sure we did. Actually, I know we did.”

“How can you tell? We may not have.”

“Oh, I can tell. I remember the feeling. I haven’t felt like this for several years, but it’s like riding a bike. You don’t forget.”

“You’re right. It’s been a while for me too, but the feeling is unmistakable. Our clothes are here.”

“We were so intoxicated that we don’t remember having sex, but we folded our clothes? There’s something you’re not telling me, Commander.”

“B’Elanna found us. Tuvok sent down search parties when we didn’t answer our hails.”

“Oh crap.”

“Kathryn, are you going to be alright?”

“Alright? Well, let’s see. I’m lying here naked in the arms of my first officer after getting drunk on the local equivalent of tequila slammers and then having sex with him. Our chief engineer found us, and where our chief engineer goes our ever-helpful pilot and his sidekick follow. So as far as I can surmise, most of our senior staff is aware that we got drunk and had sex. And to make matters worse, I don’t remember a thing. I’ve done the one thing that I’ve wanted to do for more years than I can count and I haven’t an inkling of what it was like. Have you?”

“You’ve wanted to have sex with me for years?”

“God, yes. Haven’t you?”


“Haven’t you wanted to have sex with me for years? I could have sworn that you did.”

“It’s crossed my mind….about every other minute of every day. But I don’t remember doing it either, if that’s any consolation. What are we going to do?”

“Well, the deed is done now. There’s no way to undo it, but I feel gypped that we don’t remember. If I’m going to feel guilty about something, I’d at least like to have something to remember to feel guilty about. Does that make any sense?”

“If it means that we’re going to have sex again, yes, it makes a lot of sense. An immense amount of sense. In fact, I’d say you’re a genius. And I can say that without any equivocation or being accused of trying to get into your pants, seeing as I’ve already been there.”

“Pass my jacket.”

“Janeway to Voyager. Standby to beam the Commander and myself to my quarters. Chakotay, before we go, I’d like to tell you that this has been the most unsettling and bizarre day I’ve spent in a long time, but on the up side, I love you and you look damn good naked. Voyager…”

“Hold on. I love you too. And Kathryn, you’re beautiful.”

“Thank you. You feel nice. Your skin is softer than I thought it would be and did you notice the difference in colour?”


“Yes. You’re all warm and bronze and I’m ivory white, and watch this. Your skin quivers when I touch it and when I kiss you here…”

“Oh spirits, Kathryn. That feels so good.”

“And here.”

“Damn, that’s … ohhh.”

“Oh yes. Chakotay, please touch me… there.”

“Should we… oh yes, just there… beam back… spirits.”

“Harder, Chakotay… god yes, just there.”


“Ahhhh, that’s just right, again…. Oh please….Voyager…”



“Have they gone yet?”

“Yes, Harry. You can take your hands away from your ears now.”


“Yes, Tom.”

“Come on, we’ve… ah, got something important to do back on Voyager.”

“I’m with you, Flyboy. That was umm…let’s go home.”

“What are you guys up to?”

“Harry, you don’t want to know.”

“Oh God, not you too.”

Voyager, three to beam up. Harry, my friend, you’re on your own. B’E and I’ve got a date. Energise.”

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